You think it is over and done?
You think because after 18 years of constant heartbreak,
Your acknowledgment of prior ignorance diminishes the damage you've already caused?
It doesn't work like that.
You think 18 years of never being enough can ever be followed by suddenly feeling worth something?
Let me say its not.
The place where your words put me years ago,
Thats the place where I've been caught.
If I am not beautiful "yet",
Not thin enough "yet",
Not good enough "yet",
Let me ask, will I ever be?
You like a good project, but I'm not a project.
Where is your empathy?
Its not with me.
I was a kid.
Your kid.
I let your ideologies define me.
They blinded me.
I couldn't see.
Maybe, I still can't.
You see, they say my brothers my mothers favorite,
and father, my sisters your angel.
Cant talk about your worthless daughter,
No I suppose that'd be far too painful.
I do matter.
It doesn't end when you realize that you must have said enough,
The words that you've forgotten,
I can never let go of.
And it hurts.
To know you're valued less than the siblings that you love,
And it hurts that your parents ignore it,
While no one else does.
And it sucks to be successful, to make your own name,
and show off to a family that is unimpressed all the same.
And it HURTS to hear the whispers telling me
"Im just to sensitive"
Cause I don't feel a damn thing anymore
And its all because of this;
Because you took away my acceptance of everything I am.
You took away my ability to love, trust or understand.
Its not done.
Its still growing.
It gets worse every day.
Because the longer it weighs on my heart,
the more Im bathed in shame.
Like Im to blame.
But i was a kid.
Your kid.
I deserved a bit of protection.
The things you all thought were okay to say,
Are tattooed in my mind,
I can't forget them.
You've changed the way I feel things,
You've changed whats in my heart,
I don't believe anyones kind words,
They're rubbed dry with mud and starch.
I don't have confidence in my beauty,
I hit the gyms way too hard,
Im good at many things,
But I can only see my faults.
I joke about insecurities because i feel like its all I have to offer.
Like my siblings are your gold and silver.
Ill only ever be your copper.
You said its middle child syndrome, But there is nothing generic about how i feel.
I don't feel like I've lost opportunities to others.
I feel like I'm hurt, and cannot heal.
I feel like I'm fighting for a love that I thought should have been handed free,
I don't feel like I'm jealous of them,,
Im feel like I'm striving for me.
There is no center child illness I've taken,
No way to reverse what pains won.
TO have the audacity to tell me its over- don't you dare tell me its done.
Its still here. Its still prying
Every damn time I look in a mirror.
Wanna talk about something truly scary?
Lets talk for a moment about my fear.
It prevails.
Over everything that I ever want to do.
It covers me in second thoughts and it suffocates the truth.
Your words may not have seemed so big when they escaped your mouth,
But your the only person I looked up to.
So your truths are the only ones I found.
And Im sorry. I know its unfair
To put all this on you now.
I may be a warrior,
But those whispers follow me around
They don't leave.
Don't let me be.
They grow each passing day.
The seed you didn't mean to plant
is with me. Always.
So no.
Its not over.
So no.
It can never be done.
The comparisons you've written
are stained on me in blood.
-TJ
