The drill

In high school, I remember sitting at a wooden, cracked desk in the middle of a plain white room with plain white walls. 

Other students to my left and right, all giggling with eachother about their crushes and weekend plans. I remember the teacher scratching something across a white board.. Maybe it was about math? Maybe Spanish?

I don't remember that.

Suddenly a loud announcement comes over the intercom telling everyone that the school is in lock down. Nothing elaborate was shared, just a quick reminder that we were not to panic and were to act as practiced in the drills. 

But this was not a drill.

This we were not prepared for.

It is interesting how concepts of such amateur size can relate to such significant ideas .

In life's ups and downs, I have never- not even once- been even slightly prepared for one of life's curve balls.

It's just like those drills. We practice how it will be, and call it good.

But can you ever really be sure of how something will be? 

Can you be sure of how something will play out, or feel?

Can you be sure of how you will handle the problem, or how you will think, or what you will see, or what you will have to do?

You can't.

That's it. You can't.

The cold, hard reality of it is this-

We don't know where we are going to end up, or who we will meet, or what we will do. 

We can only make educated guesses on other peoples true intentions or feelings, an we sure as hell cannot be completely prepared for other peoples actions.

We don't know what God has in store, we don't know what the earth has in store, we don't know what other countries  have in store, we don't know what terrorists have in store...

So what do we know?

We know ourselves. 

We understand our own intentions, our own interests. And, generally, we protect them. 

We know what we want. We fight for it- we have to.

We know what we have seen, and heard, and felt- 

We know what we have learned.

I guess, ultimately, there is a concept here; that preparing to go through something is never the same actually going through it.

And you can have your "drill" every day of the week as still be unprepared for the lock down.

So let's leave that metaphor behind for a moment. In the real world- how do you overcome these "curveballs" if not by preparation?

By strength. 

Strength is a powerful thing, for obvious reasons.

It protects us.

It drives us.

It shapes us.

It defines us.

It builds us.

It defeats us.

And the list goes on. 

We use these strengths, and in the midst of that lockdown that we are unprepared for, we fight by these strengths. We use what we know, who we are, and what we are capable of to move forward.

My world was shaken by news recently.

In the past, I thought to myself all the things I WOULD do if ever I was in this situation .

Now that it is my life-

I have yet to do any of them.

I am not capable of action on practice towards something that has destroyed my world. I'm not capable of simply just doing the lock down as instructed without panicking, without fear.

But I am strong.

I'm strong enough to push through.

I'm strong enough to know I'm not alone.

I'm strong enough to see the big picture,

And even though I don't know how, quite yet- I'm strong enough to make it through this lock down.

The great thing is; though drills may not help, making it through this actual "lockdown"- this actual circumstance makes the next "lockdown" and the next problem a lot less scary. 

I'm stronger.

I'll keep getting stronger. 

And eventually, I won't need drills- or false claims of stability.

I'll be able to use my experience and strength and move forward to the next huge announcement. 

******

A loud beep comes over the intercom.

Everyone is quiet to hear the instructions- I look down my left then to my right as we all huddle in the corner of the dark classroom. 

Some of us are crying-

Some of us shaking.

There is the dim light of a cell phone to my immediate right as someone texts their parents of the emergency, of the earth shattering threat. 

While waiting for the voice over the intercom, my heart rate speeds. My breath becomes uneven, and my hands begin to shake. 

A great friend of mine sits next to me, grabs my shoulder in reassurance as he says "we have got this."

I nod, looking over to him and reassuring him as well. 

Crackling comes over the speaker.

" students and teachers, the threat has been contained. You are free to continue your class, emails will be sent shortly. The campus is safe"

We smile. Pick ourselves up off the ground, grab our things- wipe our tears, gather our nerve and continue on.